I Envy You If...

Last Sunday my husband was the guest preacher at our church. The sermon was all about being content with what we have and not coveting... not wanting what others have.

But yet, I'm having a really hard time getting past what others have and I don't. It's not so much material things as it is the unattainable things.

I Envy you if...

You are 5-foot-8-inches or taller

You live within a 2-hour drive of family

You have a friend who you can get together with once in a while... in person, not on Skype

You have a part-time job that you like

You have carpets that aren't white or off-white

You have nice, delicate hands and fingernails

Your kids are well-behaved at church

You can genuinely smile about your life

You enjoy cleaning your house

I have TRIED and TRIED to train myself to get past these things. Some days I do. Most days I just say, "oh, I give up!" and even though my shortcomings bother me, I am usually too comatose to let it keep me awake. By the time my head hits the pillow I am already dreaming. I think this is my latest stage of pregnancy. It all began with me having insomnia, and now I'm so tired that I can't remember the last time I stayed awake for anything... blogging, reading, cleaning, or sex. Which suits Texan Papa just fine because he's got a middle-of-the-day type of libido.

Okay, TMI.

So, I'm now off to put away at least two projects which have been sitting out, waiting for my attention, for about 3 weeks. I am going to surrender to my laziness and admit that I am NOT going to do those projects right now. Maybe I should just admit defeat and plan to do those projects in about 6 years, when new-baby will be going to Kindergarten.

Feeling Groovy

I have decided to take on Mama Kat's Writing Workshop challenge this week. Y'all can play along too!
What is your life's anthem? You know...that song that is ALWAYS in your head. The one you'd go to sing first if someone told you to sing a song right NOW. What is it and what does it mean to you? (inspired by Tattooed Minivan Mom)

Can you already guess my song? If you can't, you just may have been born after 1975 or you never had any older siblings who played records in their strictly-off-limits bedroom while you plastered your ear to the door.


On any given day, I may or may not be feeling groovy, but all I have to do is hear that song to remember what makes me happy: slowing down, appreciating what is around me, and reveling in the simplicity that is creation. The things in life that make me happiest are those that are not manufactured but rather just exist: a clear blue sky, my child's laughter, patience, a hug, acceptance.

Sometimes I forget to slow down and Texan Papa will say, "Greta," (that's his nickname for me), "slow down. Ya move too fast..." No, he won't sing it, but he'll say it. And it never annoys me nearly as much as when he says, "Why don't you just leave those dishes for later?" To which I am obligated to respond, "Because we don't have a housekeeper and I don't think a fairy is going to fly in and do them for me. So I guess my choice is do them now or do them later!!!"

See? Texan Papa is smart. He knows how to avoid conflict.

Plumpilicious

So, being past the first trimester of my pregnancy still doesn't make me believe that I'm out of the woods yet. I'm still a little bit gun-shy to tell people that I'm pregnant. I know it's past the "safe time" but things could still go wrong. I'm seriously not trying to be a pessimist, but I have done the whole "Yeah, thanks for the congratulations but I'm not pregnant anymore." And then, the awkward deafening silence. NOT so interested in doing that whole song-and-dance again if there's any way to avoid it. My freshest idea is to just surprise everyone with a birth announcement in November. Or, better yet, just send out Christmas cards with the new baby's photo in it. SURPRISE!

So, anyway, my body is at that awkward stage now... Nothing fits around my mid-section. Everything I have that is maternity LOOKS maternity, and everything I have that's "normal" looks like I'm squeezing a sausage into its casing. I'm at the point where people just don't say anything because they all think I'm gaining weight. Really, I'm just gaining girth, but what's the difference, right?

I have invested in a few new pieces for the maternity wardrobe. I am ashamed to admit that I still have some things from when I was pregnant with Peppermint Patty back in 1999! I like to think that those styles are "classic" but the truth is simply "the elastic isn't shot yet so I can get another pregnancy out of it".

Texan Papa went to Kohl's last week because he needed some new clothes, shoes, belts, etc for work. The next day I did some "work shopping" for myself. I need a "working wardrobe". Let's face it: when a woman is getting increasingly fatter, anything she can do for herself to feel less like a whale is good for everyone involved. If PREGNANT mama ain't happy, NO BODY's happy and I mean NO. BODY.

One more fun thing: I have been getting some skin irritations on my neck, chest, and torso. I thought they might be bug bites of some type. I prayed it wasn't scabies (which I got in 8th grade from the bed I slept in at summer camp. Ew.) After some investigation on the very reliable and always truthful internetz, I thought i might have bed bugs in my house.

Oh God, the heebie jeebies.

I looked at pictures. I read message boards. I investigated all possible treatments. The bad news, and there doesn't seem to be ANY good news, is that they are hard to find because they are very tiny and they are hard to get rid of because they are so hard to find.

After having two exterminators come in, and finding NO evidence whatsoever of bed bugs anywhere, they have convinced me that I am bug-free. I'm not totally convinced yet, though. I haven't slept in my own bed for the last 3 nights, but I think I may try again tonight. If I wake up with a million bug bites all over my body, I might check myself into a mental hospital.

At least it will be clean... hopefully.

A Deal or A Fake?

I love Fridays, almost as much as I love Mondays.

You see, Monday is the day that my 3 older kids go back to school after a long weekend. Texan Papa's weekend work schedule is: Fri 12:30-9:00, Sat: 7:30-4:00, and Sun: 12:30-9:00. So, you see, I am basically the only one in charge of all kiddos for the WHOLE weekend. And to answer your question, YES that does suck pretty much.

But Friday is the day that the baby goes to Mother's Day Out from 9am-noon. Then she comes home and immediately takes a nap until I go pick up the kids from school. SO I kinda have the day off, which is nice, except I have to come to her school at lunchtime to take her home, then I have to stay at home for the rest of the afternoon. But at least it's quiet.

So, today I spent my Friday morning going to thrift stores and resale shops to buy some Maternity clothes. WOO-HOO I am finally allowing myself to do this now that I am officially done with my 1st trimester. (Insert mini-party voice here).

So, at my local favorite thrift store I found this cute pink purse:

It is pink microfiber and it is kinda small, measuring about 5 1/2 in. x 8 in. The label says "kate spade NEW YORK". I'm not one who normally cares about labels. As a matter of fact, I think women should have their heads examined for buying purses that cost over $100, since they get things spilled on them, pens leak on the lining, and half the time there's a snotty tissue inside it. But, if you like to indulge, I won't judge you.

Anyway, I thoroughly looked this purse over. I checked the lining: no "Made in China" label. I looked at the label closely: no weird stitching or spelling. I looked at the magnetic snap: it says "kate spade" on it also.


So, I figured, I'll just go ahead and get it. If I can't tell it's a fake (not that I'm an expert or anything) then probably it's good enough to pass.

I went home and googled this web site. After checking out all the things it had to say about fakes and real kate spade purses, I think it just... might... be... genuine.

I can't figure out if I care or not.

Oh, can I tell you how much I paid for this purse?

$1.49.

I'm Leaving... On a Jet Plane....

Yippee.... I am taking a {family} vacation for the first time in a long time!

Unfortunately, Texan Papa will not be accompanying us. He has to stay in Texas so he can bring home the bacon, you know.

I am leaving with the kids right after school gets out in June. We are driving up to St. Louis, then flying out of St. Louis to go to Florida for a week! My kids are TOTALLY PSYCHED to say the least.

We don't take trips too often, as me staying home with the kids and relying on one income for 6-almost-7 people means making sacrifices. But, I've been planning this trip for a long time, and here's how we're making it happen:
1. We are flying out of St. Louis, which is a little bit cheaper. YES it is quite a drive, but after we return from Florida we are going to stay in St. Louis to visit friends and family for about 2 weeks, so it makes sense to fly out of a cheaper destination anyway.
2. I have been saving my Reward Points from Capitol One ("What's in Your Wallet?") for about 10 years. Seriously. So, I finally have enough points that I was able to purchase 4 round-trip tickets from St. Louis to Florida (the baby will sit on my lap. Not fun, but at least it's free).
3. We are staying at my parents' house in Florida. Free food, free lodging, pool on location, the beach is free, etc. Not EVERYTHING will be free (I'm sure I'll have to purchase some aloe for our sunburns) but it will be really really cheap.

Now, for the trip up to St. Louis. Yes: me, 4 kids, the open road, and no adult helper. God is my co-pilot.

1. I got a dual-screen DVD player for the car for only $80 on clearance at Target. Texan Papa is adamantly opposed to DVD players for the van, but in this situation I neither told him nor plan to. Personally, I am extremely opposed to losing my marbles before we even getting outside the borders of Texas from listening to 4 kids scream at each other. Plus, it's not like they're going to watch movies non-stop. They will probably watch 1-2 per day (considering it's about a 12-hour drive - including breaks and time for kids to stretch their legs - I don't think that's too much).
2. I have prepared some homemade activity books. On our last trip to St. Louis in January, these were a HUGE hit with my kids. Have you ever tried to find activity books that are actually FUN for kids? Those "coloring and activity" books stink. None of my kids like to color, so they do all the dot-to-dots in about 5 minutes, then want to throw the book away. Plus, my younger son, Linus, isn't a strong reader yet so he can't spend his time reading books. But the internet is such an awesome source of free EVERYTHING. I was able to find games and activities that suit each one of their tastes and challenge levels. So, here are some of the activities I included in their books (and links, in case you want to make an activity book of your own for your family vacation):
Travel Battleship - plays just like the regular game for 2 people, only on paper
Fill-Ins - like a crossword puzzle, but you just fill in the words from a word list. No clues. The first word is given for you to get you started.
Match-Up games - You can pick one of their pre-made match-ups, or you can create your own.
License Plate Game - use this map of the United States to color in each state and learn geography as you find a license plate from that state
Scavenger Hunt - keep your eyes peeled for things like school bus, baby, dog, or flag pole
Mazes (also here and here)- You can find them with varying degrees of difficulty. Good for readers AND non-readers.
Dot-to-dot (and here and here)
Word Scramble
tic-tac-toe, close-the-box and hangman - fun, classic games
Car Trip Bingo
Word Search Puzzles
Easy Kids Sudoku - seriously, these are beginner puzzles. Your kids can always get harder puzzles but these teach them how to play. Here's another site to check out too.
Hidden Picture Search - from Highlights magazine. This is a GREAT activity for non-readers. Kinda like I-Spy but they provide the pictures to search for. There are dozens to choose from.
Wordoku - Just like Sudoku, but with letters instead. Go to this site, it is so cool. The game is played just like Sudoku but you can create your own games using letters, numbers, shapes, colors, or even Sesame Street Characters!
Kakuro - a little bit tougher, but will be great for that kid who wants a challenge! Also helps with adding skills. You can pick the difficulty level and size of the puzzle, and it comes with a solution guide.

I found ALL these activities just using Google. Whatever I wanted to find, I ususally typed that in along with "free" or "printable" or "Easy" or "kids". This is going to save me a ton of money on buying books retail. Plus, half-a-dozen or so of each activity is enough to keep the kids interested. Too much, and you'd have a library of activity books in your backseat!

Also, in each binder, I put some blank paper (for freehand drawing) and some notebook paper (for journaling). I also bought some pencil pouches that go inside the binder rings to keep crayons, pens, pencils, small pencil sharpener, and erasers. I also put a few sheets of stickers in the pencil pouch, just for fun.

Another bit of advice I read somewhere is to give kids an allowance every day to choose how they want to spend it. Now, I won't be doing this EVERY day, but probably I'll give them $2 each day we're travelling to choose to spend on a soda or chips or whatever when we make our rest stops. Of course, I'll have healthy snacks that will be FREE, so it will be their choice if they want to save their money and have healthy snacks, or spend it to get junk food. But they won't get enough to rot their teeth!

On past road trips, and also this one, I bring a CD player and I try to find some books on CD for the kids to listen to. Sometimes the CD's have the accompanying book, sometimes not. But it's a good alternative to listening to the radio and reading a book, which sometimes makes my kids sick and my younger son can't read too well yet either. Remember to bring extra batteries! Also, I take all the CD's out of their cases before we leave and put them in a cd-holder that is as slim as possible. If the CD case only holds 10 CD's, then that's all they can take! I'm doing the same with the DVD's. That way, we dont' have a zillion cases floating around the car, waiting to get stepped on.

One last thing: I am going to print a map of our trip for each child to put in their binders, so when the kids ask where we are I can tell them and refer to their map. I think kids appreciate knowing where in the world they are, how close they are to the rest stop, how far they've travelled, etc. And I can mark stops on the map, like where we'll stop for the night at the hotel, favorite restaurants, exciting landmarks, parks, etc.

I am on my knees praying that this trip doesn't send me over the edge. Texan Papa thinks I am totally nuts, but I am looking forward to seeing my kids' expressions when their toes hit the sand on the beach for the first time. That will be all worth it!

Kakuro - Catch The Wave!!!

In my latest attempt to obsess about something healthy (is that possible? To have a healthy obsession about something? sounds like an oxymoron to me), my sister has introduced me to the world of Kakuro.

Have you ever heard of Kakuro? No? Well, let me set up your blind date.

Here's the basic idea: You find groups of numbers to add up to a certain sum. But the numbers are arranged much like Sudoku, in that you cannot use a number more than once in a row or column. But it's more than just arranging the numbers, they must also make the correct sum. Let me show you:
See the little 3 in the bottom right corner triangle? It means that the two adjacent boxes must add up to 3. So, the only sums could be 2 and 1 or 1 and 2. See the 7 along the right edge toward the bottom? That means that the 3 boxes below it must add up to 7, using any combination of 3 digits, as long as they don't repeat. SO, we know the bottom box will be either 1 or 2. If it's 1, then the resulting boxes would have to be 2 and 4 (since we can't use 1 and 6 - 1 would repeat itself - and we can't use 3 and 3 because 3 would repeat itself).

The rest of the rows have to add up correctly too. There is only one unique solution, just like Sudoku.

If you really like this game, I recommend trying the online version where you don't have to use a pencil and eraser, but rather just click the mouse and enter then number from the pull-down digits. If you're right the numbers are green and if you're wrong the numbers turn red. It is kinda like cheating but it's a good way to learn.

This is my last hope to avoid Alzheimers. And, having a math head really makes this game appealing to me. I know at least one other reader who will probably love it (YES I'm talking to you, Bridgett!) That is, unless she is already a pro, which I wouldn't doubt at all.

The Little Texan Worker Bees

After reading my blog for more than a few days, I'm betting you must say to yourself, "How DOES she do it? Her house is so organized! And she just glides through her housework! And she has time to write a blog too!"

Wait, no? That's not what you say?

Okay, well good. If you did think that, I might ask if English was your second - or third - language. Or if you are confusing my blog with someone else's. But, I do have a pretty good system in place for our family to get all the jobs done that require getting done. Thus allowing me time to blog. It's all about the blog.

Now, I love to tell my kids that life isn't fair. Get used to it. But at the same time I try to make it as fair as possible because kids really do understand "fair" pretty well.

Here's our home system:
Every kid (except the baby) gets a "day". Peppermint Patty's days are Monday and Thursday; Charlie Brown's are Tuesday and Friday; Linus' are Wednesday and Saturday. On your day you get to:
pick the tv show we watch
sit in the middle row of the van
be served first at dinner
be excused from dinner table clean-up
get 30 minutes of computer time
And you also get to:
be the first one in the shower

This system works FANTASTIC for us because I don't have to try to remember, "Wait, who went first the last time? Who's turn is it now?" while the kids are arguing in the background, "IT was ME! NO, IT WAS ME!!!" Plus, my kids have learned all about turn-taking and equality. If they think it's no fair that they can't sit where they want at the dinner table, then I just say, "on your day you can pick your own seat. Today is someone else's day. You'll get a chance. You always do." And they always do.

Next, chores.
We have a cute little "chore wheel". And, of course, I have added my own name to the mix, just to cut down on the "Why do WE have to do all the work?" I have an argument lined up for that question, but I just don't feel like explaining myself on most days. So, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we rotate the wheel and everyone does their chore for the day. It rotates so everyone gets to do all the chores and no one is stuck with the crappy chores every time. Again, very fair. The chores we all do from the chore wheel are: vacuum under kitchen table, bring the laundry to the laundry room, empty the small trash cans into the main trash can, and clean off the bathroom countertop and sink.

And, did I mention, it cuts down on the headaches? It really does.

Surviving

Well, just wanted everyone to know that I have not fallen deep into a well of depression. I have just been busy... trying to keep myself busy and trying to actually accomplish some things around the house, so that my anxiety can maybe be managed!

I've been realizing that I need to quit feeling like it is my responsibility to do everything.

I am beginning to understand that if some things don't get done, what's the worst that can happen?

I am starting to trust that people will not yell at me or quit liking me if I don't do things the way they want them done.

Basically, I'm beginning to feel less tiny. Which is strange, because if you knew me 20 years ago, you would never have described me that way. You might have used words like "feisty" or even "intimidating". But time and a desire to be accepted has changed me. Too much, I'm finally realizing.

I am trying to find some middle ground.

Etsy Ewww

So, I've been playing around with the idea of listing some stuff on Etsy. I have NO idea if it's even worth my time.

I have been investigating Etsy lately because one of my children is having a nighttime dryness problem, and I was hoping to find some type of waterproof cloth nighttime underpant. He/She doesn't want to wear pull-ups because they say that Pull-Ups feel like diapers and, frankly, I'd have to agree. This child is certainly too old for a typical training pant, as daytime potty training took place years ago.

So, as I searched "training pants" I came upon this Etsy handmade creation:

Here is the description:
This is an adult sized training pants or pull-up style diaper intended for ageplay or adult babies. This item is 100% cotton. The outside and inside are black cotton thermal knit with a green and blue owls. The soaker panel is 4 layers of 100% cotton thermal knit. There is elastic around the waist for a comfortable fit. This will fit hip measurements of 40 to 46 inches. The width at the crotch is 6 inches.

I had to Google "ageplay" because I had a suspicion about what it meant but didn't want to be too dense.

All I can say is, ew. Ew Ew Ew Ew.

I am wondering how many adult owls underpants have sold.

The Most Annoying Stuff In The World

The most annoying stuff in the world (not ranked, as annoying-ness changes depending on my mood)

1. A practically invisible hair that is stuck somewhere inside my shirt, tickling the skin around my torso or on my upper arms. Every time I try to find it, I search but can't locate it. Then, 5 seconds later, it's twitching me again. UGH!

2. People who misuse words and phrases. I can handle misspellings. The whole "lose/loose" thing doesn't bother me. But, I can't stand when people think that the phrase "all intents and purposes" is "all intensive purposes". NO NO NO. And, those are WELTS on your son's face, not "whelps". Unless, of course, your son has baby puppies attached to his cheeks.

3. Fellow shoppers who love to point out that your toddler is going berserk and/or having a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store. Or Target. Or anywhere the mood strikes. "Awww, looks like someone isn't too happy." I want to say, "Uh, no shit Sherlock. How 'bout I giver her to you while I finish my shopping trip?"

So, what's annoying you today?

If You're A Statistic, I Don't Want To Know

I really envy all you moms out there who have kids all under 5 years old.

Yes, I know some of you have LOTS of them under 5 years old, but I still envy you.

My mom always said, "When they're little, they have little problems. When they are bit, they have big problems." And, as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. AGAIN.

When my little Peanuts were itty bitty, I could hug them and squeeze them and pet them and keep them safe in our house, the wonderful protective bubble. Then my sanity kicked in and they had to go to Kindergarten. Theoretical School is a lovely place, filled with sunny days and smiling children who love their teachers and learn the Pledge of Allegiance. Real World School is filled with children who are grumpy because school lunch is the biggest meal they'll get that day, the classroom stinks from kids wearing rain-soaked sneakers that already have that year-old funky smell, and little Bobby learned a few new 4-letter words on the school bus today that he's going to teach your Kindergarten child.

Here's a picture of Peppermint Patty before she had to go off into the big bad world of full-day Kindergarten. Doesn't she look so innocent?

My kids went to a school that is somewhere in between TS and RWS. I felt pretty safe sending them there and I never had any problems. But, one thing I have certainly learned by being married to Texan Papa, who has done many years of prison ministry, is that you can't relax just because things seem safe. You have to always be on your guard, always watching, always ready.

So, now at the tender age of 9, Peppermint Patty has been invited to a sleepover. I just don't know how to handle this. The invitations have been coming for a couple of years now, but until the present we have always graciously declined, explaining to the hostess that our daughter is just not READY for a sleepover yet. (Ahem, I think WE'RE the ones who aren't ready.)

We have always talked very openly about our bodies with the kids, how "private parts" means anything that we want to keep private. We have drilled them on the "good touch, bad touch" thing. We have told them, in no uncertain terms, that no one can touch them ANYWHERE on their bodies NO MATTER WHAT if they don't want it. Not even the doctor. And to never believe people when they say, "Your mom and dad said it was okay." And never believe it when people say, "I will make all your friends hate you if you tell." This is the shit I am deathly afraid of. I never worry about some maniac driving up and snatching my daughter out of my yard. Yes, it's possible, but it's WAY more likely that someone she knows and trusts will violate that trust in a horrible way. And, I'm so afraid that it will happen because she is such a people-pleaser and so obedient to adults, as well as wanting friends so badly that she might forget her own good judgment if it means a chance to keep a "friend".

I wonder how much I must ostracize myself when I tell people, "well, we have to be careful, you know. The people to worry about are the people who seem the nicest!" All while I'm talking to a mom about her daughter inviting my daughter over to spend the night. I'm sure she's thinking, "DOES THIS LADY THINK WE ARE PEDOPHILES OR SOMETHING???" So, I'm trying to work on my speech for when we need to decline invitations.

I guess I get so nervous because I've been in situations where sexual abuse was possible. It never actually happened but looking back I can see how lucky I was. Once, when I was 10, (YES, 10!!) my family drove to Minnesota with the Boy Scouts to go skiing and an 18-year-old boy in our car started feeling me up my leg, up... up... until I pushed his hand away. HELLO? At the time I was actually FLATTERED because I was like, ooh an 18-year-old thinks I'm cute! *shudder* Later, as a college grad, my friend and I went to a little bar in the lobby of a hotel. I got friendly with a guy I met there and went up to his room, just to talk and fool around a little bit. But when he pushed for the action to move from PG to R and I said no, I was shocked how strong he was considering he was only my height. He held me down on the bed and tried to force his hand up my skirt. I remember thinking, oh my God I never thought this would happen to me. I think I might have said something like, "Do you really think you're going to rape me?" and he finally let me go. Maybe my remark just jarred his thoughts enough to get me out of there, thank God, but what if it had gone the other way?

I bet every single person reading this has some type of similar story.

Now, can you see why I am losing sleep over my 9-year-old daughter going to a simple sleepover? Can you imagine the basket case I will be when she's 14? or 17?

I am screwed.

First Sandbox

Green Turtle Sandbox, garage sale find: $15

Playsand, one bag: $3

Plastic Sand toys: $5

Watching my baby girl put her toes in the sand for the first time in her life: Priceless

Flashback Friday

Hey Y'all. Look at me! I'm being Green! I'm recycling!!!

My posts can be reduced, reused, and recycled!!!

It's all part of Scary Mommy's Flashback Friday. C'Mon, all the cool kids are doing it (I just hope they don't mind that I'm trying to nose my way into the cool crowd!)

Yum Yum Childhood Goodness
(Originally Published 7/20/08)

I grew up with a mom who was considerably older than the moms of my friends. My mom was 38 when she had me in 1972. Of course, as it always goes with children, I never knew the difference. I didn't know that other moms never said, "Honey will you go get that for me? My old bones can't make it up the stairs." My mom never rode bikes with me or went swimming with me. And, when I went to the teen summer dances, my mom would pick me up in our big Ford LTD and the obnoxious (older) teenagers would yell out "HEY SOMEBODY'S GRANDMA IS HERE!!!" My mom didn't care... she just saw the world a little differently.

See, my mom came from a different era. She was raised during the Great Depression. She grew up in the inner city of St. Louis, part of a poor family living in a poor neighborhood. Her mother did everything she could to make ends meet and when the end came into sight, they used intuition. My mom has told me stories of when she was a young girl, she and her mother would ride the streetcar down to the flour mill and buy the old flour sacks to take home and make into dresses. These are the only clothes my mom ever had. Her first "store-bought" dress came after she went to work after high school. For private Catholic school, she had one white blouse with various collars that buttoned on so that she could change the collars daily as they got dirty. During World War II, they rationed food; my grandmother made an amazing tomato-noodle soup that she would trade to neighbors for soap, butter, or other things they needed.

To this day my mother has retained so many of her frugal childhood habits. The way she grew up is the way I grew up. See, I find this so funny because I grew up in a 5-bedroom, 6-bathroom tudor-style home with a 3-stall garage and we belonged to a country club. My father had moved up in his company and was making a good living. But when the Peanuts Special came on CBS (remember the swirling rainbow of "CBS SPECIAL"?) and we wanted to eat popcorn, we would pop it in the special pot that had no handle, requiring us to use a potholder and a pliers. Could we afford a new pot? Sure. But the old pot worked, so why throw it out? This is the way my mom was raised. She never gets rid of anything if she has some use for it. I still laugh my arse off when I go home and see she is wearing some cast-off item of clothing from me in my high school days. Sure, it's out of style. Sure, it's 20 years old. Sure, her teenage daughter used to wear it. But hey, it doesn't have any holes and it matches a pair of pants I got rid of too.

I can picture in my mind all the things my mom still has that she got when she got married. In 1955. And it all still works. (Necchi sewing machine, pressure cooker, Electrolux canister vacuum, etc.) So, now I wonder if I will adopt these same habits with my own family? Well, I am a big fan of fixing something if you can avoid having to buy a new one. The problem is that nothing you can buy nowadays is built to be fixed; we're such a throw-away society that all machines are expected to have a short life and to be replaced rather than repaired. It makes sense, too. If you can buy a new wash machine for $350 and the cost to fix it with labor and parts is $160, given the washer is already 10 years old, isn't it smarter to just get a new one?

So, tonight, I was making myself a little dip from Tastefully Simple (YUUUMMMM - it's one of my favorite things) and I had to add mayonnaise. Peppermint Patty and I had a little talk about how much she hates mayonnaise because it tastes like eggs (yes, that's because it is made from eggs). I went on to tell her that when I was a kid I didn't like mayonnaise either but I LOVED Miracle Whip. She was curious so even though she had refused to try it in the past she wanted to taste it now. I gave her a small lick and she agreed it was okay. This caused me to have a wonderful childhood memory that I hadn't thought of in many many years.

When I was a kid and I wanted a sandwich, but we were out of Braunschweiger or didn't have all the ingredients for PB&J, my mom would offer me a Miracle Whip Sandwich. Yes, just Miracle Whip and bread. It seems pretty thin but to me it was really good. I can still taste it now... the soft white bread, the tangy Miracle Whip. That was it - a simple sandwich. I can see how she probably ate that when she was a child (or something similar) because food was a precious commodity and there wasn't lunchmeat just lying around for a snack whenever she had a whim. When I was a little older I asked a friend once if she wanted a Miracle Whip sandwich. She said, "Well what else?"
"Um, I guess you can have Cheetos too."
"No, what else on the sandwich?"
"Nothing else, just Miracle Whip."
"That's not a sandwich."
"Why not?"
"It just isn't. You need meat or something else"
"What about PB&J? No meat there."
"That's different. Miracle Whip is just a condiment. It would be like eating a Mustard sandwich. Or a Ketchup Sandwich."
"Oh, that is gross."
"See what I mean?"
"No."

So after Peppermint Patty tried the Miracle Whip, I told her the Miracle Whip sandwich story. She asked if she could have a sandwich, so I gave it to her. On soft white bread. She smiled and gobbled it up. She even had a tiny bit of Miracle Whip in the corners of her smile. God, that kid is just like me.

Sound Check?

Uh, what is he calling that dog? Did he really name his dog a$$hole? 'Cause that's what it sounds like.

Don't the advertising people EVER watch their own commercials??

Normal?

What is "normal"? really? Is there a sliding scale that a person can fit on somewhere in the middle?

This past weekend my mother-in-law came down. And, I just got off the phone with her. She said some things that were very hard for me to hear, but I know she loves me so much and she needed to say them.

She said that I am a lot different since we moved to Texas. That I'm constantly in motion and that I need to relax. She said that I seemed to be under a lot of stress and that she never saw me smile the whole weekend.

Finally, Monday morning, the baby was screaming because I wouldn't give her candy and Linus was humming and tapping and humming and tapping and humming.... and the TV was on and, basically, I lost it. I told them EVERYONE JUST STOP!!!! QUIT ALL THE NOISE!!!! Now, to me, this didn't seem so strange. Yes, I kinda lost my temper but I didn't go in the corner and start rocking in the fetal position or anything. But my MIL said she thought I might be having a nervous breakdown.

All of the sudden, I started to see the conversation from her point of view. She is certainly concerned about me and she loves me like her own daughter. But I know she is also concerned about my children. Her grandkids mean the world to her and I know she worries. I believe her when she tells me that I'm doing a good job as a mom, but I think she is concerned that I am just not mentally capable of handling it all.

So, in my own mind, I'm a bit crazed but I'm also not mentally unstable. But, if I were mentally unstable, would I really be rational enough to tell the difference? I don't think I have enough perspective to look at my own life and my own actions and emotions with an objective eye.

My MIL suggested I talk to a doctor about maybe getting some meds. Writing that is very scary. I always thought of anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants as something *I* would never have to take. It seemed like a course of action that was for women who were REALLY bad off. But, maybe I AM really bad off. Or, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. Or, maybe I just need to talk to a counselor (but then I'd have to find a sitter for the kids. I don't really have anyone I can ask. That would be another big road block that I just can't face.) And, we have not told her about the pregnancy yet so whatever I do it has to be safe for the baby.

I do know that lately I have just been so very sad. Yesterday for the first time that I can remember I wanted to go to bed and I didn't really care if anyone cleaned up or did homework or if the house was tidy or anything. But of course I just acted like everything was fine because my kids need a mom who isn't a basket case.

When I even begin to think about what would happen to my kids if I were a mental mess, I get a whole bunch more upset. When I think about children with unstable, inconsistent home lives, I picture a future of crime, addiction, self-hate, and sadness. I can NOT do that to my children.

So, I guess the real question is: does anyone else feel this way? Maybe you do, but not to this degree (which would maybe hint that I might indeed need some help). Or, maybe what I'm feeling really is kinda par for the course and maybe I just need to have a more positive outlook.

I just want to be happier. Less anxious all the time. I want to enjoy my kids, not escape them.

The scariest part of all of this is realizing that a lot of my stress is generated from the kids. My daily thoughts are consumed with keeping them healthy, buying them what they need but not more than they need, making sure they grow into healthy adults, helping them learn to read & do math & learn where France is & how a seed grows into a tree. I want them to be happy and have friends. I want them to have a wide range of experiences but I don't know when they'll have time for it all.

So, realizing all this, the reality sets in: I have these kids. I am a mom. I am never getting a break from it. And, I love them. I love them with every ounce of myself. I certainly love them more than I love myself. But, has becoming a mom turned me into someone I can't be? Can I live with myself this way?

Is this just normal hormonal stuff or do I need to find someone to help me?

Misery Loves Company

Why can't I just be happy for people?

When someone blogs about how great their homeschool schedule is going, or how their kids are so bright and just breezing right through the curriculum, why can't I just smile and think, "Good for them!"?

When someone writes that they managed to potty train their toddler at the tender age of 21 months, even though it was really hard, and (knock wood) there haven't been any accidents in 2 weeks, why do I secretly seethe?

When someone gushes about their lovely husband, how wonderful he is and how attentive he is and how they are just a perfect match for one another, why do I try to click away before getting halfway through the post?

I am guessing that misery just loves company.

It's not that my kids aren't bright, nor that I don't work hard, nor that I have a lousy marriage. None could be further from the truth. But for some reason I just can't stand to listen to people gush about how wonderful things are going when I have crap falling in around me.

And do you know what is really the worst? That really, crap isn't exactly falling in around me. It just feels that way. I have 4 children, none of which have any disabilities. THAT is a blessing in and of itself. My husband does not anticipate my every need. Rather, he is himself and I am myself and my marriage is a daily lesson in how to determine what is really important and what is just me being stubborn. I learn from him daily and THAT has been a blessing to me, more so than having a person who gives me everything I ask for and never makes me grow as a person. My husband is in a VERY secure job with no threat of being laid off. We have no debt. Both of our families are really normal and not wacko at all.

Still, if I have to hear about one more person who has the perfect matching Easter outfits for them and their children, all of whom sit quietly through a long church service, I might have to shoot my monitor.

I just feel a closer kinship with people who are willing to show their imperfections to the world. I know that the "Ms. PerfectBlogger" people have imperfections too, but it is just so depressing to read a post about new furniture from Ethan Allan or a recent trip to the Bahamas or their kids' perfect check-ups at the dentist. I want to hear that they are human too. That I'm not the only one who has a hard time saying "no" to her kids for the 127th time that day. That there are other people out there who didn't get the $1 off coupon to combine with the sale for 2/$1.49 to get two boxes of pasta for 49 cents. We can't all be good at everything and I know I'm no good at clipping coupons.

And, it certainly is not that I am happy when misfortune befalls these "Ms. PerfectBlogger" types. I have never once thought anything negative for them. But, you see, when reading about other people's troubles I think it helps me to appreciate my own life and maybe say to myself, "Gee, I'm happy to be where I am. It could be a lot worse." Reading the blogs of the "Ms. PerfectBlogger" set, all I start to think is, "Man, where I am sucks. It could be so much better." Yeah, I never walk away from reading those posts and feel empowered to live better. Usually I just walk right over to the freezer for some ice cream.

So, misery? Meet the peanut gallery. Bring it on.

Purpose

Why do I write a blog? It is the question every blogger asks himself or herself at some point.

In the beginning I think I had a desire to talk to someone, even if that meant a voiceless, 2-dimensional online community. The people were still people and responses were out there.

But I realized, over time, that my real reason for writing is that I desire with every ounce of my soul to have some sort of impact on a person or on the world. I want to say something witty that a reader repeats and says, "This was just SO funny. I read it on Texan Mama's blog." I want to write something that makes a difference. I want someone to think differently about his or her life because I have maybe given them a new perspective. I want my words to conjure up memories that have long since been forgotten or pushed down beneath the drudgery of daily life.

But here's what my blog usually consists of:

Blah blah blah
not-very-funny joke
blah blah
complaining
blah blabbity blah blah
self-criticism
a photo or two
and, finally, a lame attempt to wrap up the post with some witty ending

I have long ago given up on making a difference in anyone's life, barring my own children. I do realize that I have a huge impact on their lives. And, in theory, they are the ones that should really matter and the impact I have on strangers shouldn't matter at all. But it does. But it just seems like facing every day, knowing that I'm just another mom is NOT enough for me. I am not looking to be Martha Stewart or ... some good example of a perfect mother. The pressure would be too much. But the idea of being just average seems very deflating to me.

I think it's normal to want to feel like my life has some meaning. I don't want to just be a ...

what's the word I'm looking for?

a nothing.

I don't want to be insignificant. I think lots of people understand what I mean.

So, I continue to blog. Hoping against hope that someday I will say something and then someone will say, around the water cooler, "I read the most interesting thing on Texan Mama's blog."

Again I will say, in theory, I know I am important to someone. I know I make a difference to 4 small people. I hope I make a difference to one very kind man. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm doing a crappy job 95% of the time that I feel I want to matter to people I'm not going to disappoint on a daily basis.

Okay, so once again, this post has lived up to its expectations: blah blah blah.

Thanks for your time with me today!

So Sue Me

I was recently sent some mail about a class-action lawsuit through Volkswagen. You see, we used to own a VW Jetta but have long ago collected our insurance check after Texan Papa totaled the car trying to avoid hitting a deer. He went into the ditch and hit a utility pole. Oh, and did I mention that we'd just gotten the car detailed 3 days prior? And that we'd just finished paying it off 4 months prior? Yeah, good times.

But anyway, the class action lawsuit was for a group of plaintiffs who were suing Volkswagen because of an electric window switch or motor or something. They claimed that Volkswagen produced a faulty product and that they were entitled to ... what? Money? A new window switch? A new car? I have no idea.

I called the law firm handling the case and told them that I did NOT want to be in the class-action lawsuit and I wanted my name taken off the list of plaintiffs. "May I ask why?" they said. So, I told them, "I believe that court docketts should be crowded with cases for child protection and prosecuting rapists and murderers, not crowded with people who are trying to get a few bucks out of a nameless, faceless corporation. I don't want to be part of a lawsuit just because I can. Plus, I don't even own this car so I don't believe I even have a right to be in this class-action group. I never experience the window problem. I don't own the car anymore because it was totaled 7 years ago." They were polite and respected my decision.

Now today I heard on the Today Show about a woman who is suing Wolfgang Puck's restaurant because she went into the women's bathroom and found only one stall with a door. However, the stall door's lock did not work, so she had to hold it closed with her hand, while squatting. While doing her buisiness, the door was pulled on by another restaurant patron, causing her to lose balance and fall to the ground. She claims she sustained significant physical and mental injuries.

I love America, but I have to say that the state of some Americans is bothering me quite a bit. I have a new personal motto: Just because I CAN do it, doesn't mean I SHOULD do it. Just because I CAN burn a flag doesn't mean I should. Just because I CAN say curse-words in a crowd of children doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just because I CAN pursue a company for money doesn't mean I SHOULD.

What has happened to our freedom? Has it become the foundation for brainstorming about creative ways to further desensitize other people to what is unacceptable? Have we become a nation of people who are more concerned with "Can I get away with this?" than "Is this really a good idea? And if it's a good idea, who is it serving? Me? My community? The greater good?"

I don't like it when people push the envelope of freedom to the point of being different JUST because they can. I think it does not create a community that accepts diverse ideas. I think it creates divisiveness among its members, where people stop caring about the good of others and the good of the community and instead focus on self-sustaining behaviors. People will begin to put their own thoughts about what is good for THEM above what is good for others. Not that people shouldn't be concerned for themselves, but there should be a balance. There should be some self-sacrifice in order to be a member of a productive society.

New, innovative, original ideas are inevitable. Growth of individuals and communities is wonderful. But I hope that as we grow we don't lose sight of where we came from. Self-restraint is not a dirty word. Conformity does not mean losing ones identity. United we stand, Divided we fall. One nation (not many micronations), under God, indivisible.

Now, let's all get together and sing Kum Bay Yah.