Real America

Do you ever picture what a stereotypical American is? Like, when people from France or Russia or China or Nigeria or Iceland think about America, what do they think?

Do they think of the Statue of Liberty, and crazy taxi drivers, and Broadway shows, and the New York Stock Exchange, and hot dog cart vendors on every street corner?

Or do they think of surfers, grilling hot dogs, chilling out on the beach, listening to their i-Pods?

Or, do they think of southern-drawl sounding people with cowboy hats and boots, saying "Howdy Y'All" and offering you a piece of apple pie?

I have no idea what a stereotypical American is. I think our country is such a melting pot of customs and cultures that it's hard to define what a stereotypical American could be.

However, I know what I love about America, and I experienced it this week. I went to visit the little country town in rural IL where we used to live. This town represents everything I love about people and is exactly how I would describe "America" to a person from a foreign country, if they ever asked me.

People are humble. They are willing to do more for others than they'd do for themselves.

Military people are celebrated and respected members of the community. If one is lost, the community mourns together.

Hard work is a virtue and people who try to sidestep an honest day's sweat are not called "industrious" or "entrepreneurial", but instead considered untrustworthy.

American flags line the street every Memorial Day, Flag Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, and Veteran's Day.

Stopping by a person's house unannounced is not an inconvenience; it is a reason to sit on the porch with some lemonade and catch up on who's getting married, who's taking a vacation, or how the crops are coming in.

A typical traffic jam might include a tractor or a cow, or both.

Everyone waves at everyone else as they pass each other on the street.

The community church still has an ice-cream social every summer and Christmas Eve service wouldn't be the same without a crowd of toothless children singing "Silent Night" around Mary, Joseph, and the dolly Jesus, all of whom are wearing bathrobes for costumes.

On a clear night, when you go outside to walk your dog, there are truly more stars in the sky than you could ever count and the song of crickets is a lullaby.

THAT is what I picture when I think of America. I miss it so much. It was actually a bit painful to leave today, not knowing when I'd be back again. Living in that small community for 4 years taught me so much. I grew as a person, and I'd like to believe it was for the better. This little town that I thought I would never grow to accept, grew on me. I didn't have a choice. It became a part of me. The people, the sounds, the smells, it all became a part of who I am now. I grew up in St. Louis. I thought I could never survive in a town that didn't have a mall. The idea of living in a community without it's own stop sign was out of the question. The concept of the nearest "big town" being 3500 seemed insane.

And yet as I passed the Dairy Queen on the town square, the little league ball field, and the town library contained in one floor of a tiny house, I began to cry. I love the simplicity of life in a small town. I learned to embrace the ease of moving at a slower pace. And it was a real joy to learn how NOT to keep up with the Joneses, especially since the Joneses, the Smiths, and the Taylors all were pretty much in the same boat as everyone else. People live simply and are proud of it.

I realize that maybe the reason I like it so much is because it's safe. I would never have to worry about maxing out my credit cards from a shopping spree at the mall, or gang members influencing my kids at school, or carjacking, or murders, or terrorist attacks. I also know my kids would never be exposed to people of other cultures or religions, and I was concerned about that too, but it just felt so right to put my arms around my kids (an myself) and say, "Don't worry, nothing is going to hurt you" and feel reasonable sure that I was telling the truth.

Any change is hard. Moving away from my protection was pretty scary. There are so many parts about Texas that I love, but there are also parts of Illinois that I miss. But I think that if I had to live in any part of America, I'd probably go back to that little speck-on-the-map-without-even-a-gas-station in Illinois. It's part of me now.

Still Truckin'

Okay, so I'm on Day 15 of the Great Summer Vacation of '09 and I haven't killed anyone yet.

Except a bird. But that was his own damn fault. He needs to look where he's flying, especially when trying to pass under a minivan traveling at 23 mph.

Anyway, I survived my trip to Florida. Looking back it was fun and I understand now that I need to relax a bit more.

After retuning from Florida last Tuesday, we went to visit my in-laws in northern IL. That was Thurs-Sun. Then back to St. Louis.

Today we went to the St. Louis Science Center. Tomorrow we go over to rural IL to visit friends from our previous congregation (Tues-Thurs). Then on Friday I have an eye-doctor appointment back here in St. Louis. Saturday - cousin's wedding. Sunday - niece's graduation party. By next Monday I may finally be on my way back to Texas.

All this running is making me crazy. And grumpy. I had no idea how hard it would be to take my kids on vacation. Going to other people's house means one thing for me: keep the damage to a minimum. My kids are sweet, intelligent kids. But they are kids. And they aren't afraid to jump on beds or kick a ball or touch something that might be fragile. They aren't destructive but they also get excited when visiting a new place.

So, traveling from one place to the next has been a long string of "Don't touch that!" and " Just sit still!" and "Don't eat in that room!" and "PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN!!!" I am so ready to be back in my own house where we don't have anything that is too sentimental or expensive to be unsafe for small hands. Our house is filled with things that were deemed "replacable" many years ago, simply because of the nature of the beast. But I don't expect other people to live that way and therefore I have to continuously monitor my children's behavior, making sure that carefully constructed Lego villages or family heirlooms are safe from wandering tiny fingers. I feel like I'm "on" 24 hours a day and I can't relax.

I'm glad, though, that I'm finally in the home stretch of my family trip (I gave up calling it a vacation a long time ago). I even have my niece lined up to babysit a few times for me. Hopefully I'll get a girl's night out of this trip one way or another!

Tell Your Santa Story

Do you remember the moment you found out Santa wasn't real? Did it break your heart? Or did you get over it?

Do your kids believe in Santa? What about the Easter Bunny? Tooth Fairy?

We don't do any of it. Never have. Since Peppermint Patty was about 2 years old, we've always been a non-Santa household. I'm not ANTI-Santa, but we're definitely all about telling our kids the truth. We tell them that they can feel free to talk about Santa, pretend about Santa, read books about Santa, etc. But Santa is like Sponge-Bob or Elmo: fun to pretend and have fun and tell stories about but not real.

I would NEVER begrudge anyone about their belief in Santa. I think every family must do what is right for their family. Our kids have strict instructions NOT to spoil the Santa fantasy for other kids, but if they are asked they should answer honestly but politely. We've suggested, "Well every family believes in different things" or "Well, what do you believe?"

I'm curious to know how finding out about the truth of Santa changed you as a child or pre-teen. Did you start to question other things you thought were true? Did you continue to believe the Santa story even though you knew it was just a story?

And please, no stories about "Santa is the SPIRIT of Christmas" because I'm not talking about believing in good cheer, giving to those in need, and the enjoyment of receiving a gift. I think we can all agree that those things exist 365 days a year with or without Santa, even though people tend to feel more inclined to actually ACT cheerful and giving at the holiday season time.

What I'm talking about is believing that a fat man in a red suit has a toy factory on the North Pole, and he delivers millions of gifts to children throughout the entire world in one evening on December 25th, where he squeezes himself down a chimney (or through a keyhole for the homes that don't have a chimney, or through the radiator, or whatever), all without ever being detected. Because I think it takes a lot of faith to swallow that whole story and never blink twice about its validity. But I know that children have enormous faith. And so, that is what makes me ask:

After believing in Santa for so long, and then finding out that it was all just a story, did it change you? Did it make you trust your parents less? Did it make any difference at all?

I got on this train of thought by reading an article in Good Housekeeping in the July Issue, titled "Lying to Your Kids" (I can't find the article online yet). The author discussed how different parents gave "good" reasons for lying to their children (none of which I can agree with, but that's just my opinion and I know every family does what they need to, so let's not go there.) Of course, the Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy issue was discussed, and that's what got me thinking.

So, tell me your Santa Story.

Two more words I hate

Conversate- just go ahead and say "have a conversation." I know, it's two whole extra words. C'mon, you can do it.

Orientated - I think the word you're looking for is "oriented". As in "family oriented" meaning being geared towards a family. Not "Family Orientated." Please don't make me come over and conversate with you.

if you use these words, please DON'T tell me or anyone else, and turn over a new leaf starting NOW.

How to Have a Relaxing Vacation

1. Do NOT bring your children.

2. Enjoy the good libations.

3. Eat out - don't cook for yourself.

4. Leave all the bills at home or set-up auto pay or something brilliant like that.

5. Do not bring your computer with you.

6. Wear sunscreen.

7. Only pack shoes you've worn at least a few times before.

8. Stay somewhere that you aren't afraid to touch everything or leave something out of place.

9. Have some alternate activities planned besides "watch tv". Not that you have to do them, but at least you can have a back-up plan.

10. Don't watch any sexy movies unless you've brought your sexy mate along with you.

YES THIS WEEK HAS TURNED OUT TO BE THE OPPOSITE OF "VACATION" FOR ME. AFTER THIS "VACATION" I TRULY NEED A REAL VACATION.

I love my kids but I think I might strangle them if they quote one more line from Zack and Cody or Phinneas and Ferb or Hannah Montana or even Special Agent Oso. At least this trip has made me realize how thankful I am that we don't have cable TV.

I. Am. Exhausted.

Go to the pool! Find the goggles! Hold the baby! Pick up wet towels! Break up a fight over a water balloon! Clean up the water balloon shrapnel! Pile 4 kids in the car! Unpack the car! Trip over a pile of flip-flops! Unload the cooler and the towels and the raft and the life-jackets and the goggles and the baby and the trash! Hurry up and make a snack because everyone is STARVING! Serve the snack to ravenous animals! Clean up the snack! Sneak a bite from the leftover remains of one plate! Answer questions like, "What is the number for Disney Channel?" and "Will you fix the TV? It just has white snow!" and "Where's my clean underwear, Mom?" Calm a screaming child with a migraine... run a hot bath for a sick kid... fetch the baby who just fell down a flight of stairs... give ibuprofen to anyone/everyone who needs it... find the GameBoy machine... wipe a mark off the pristine walls... gather some mysterious parts together that look like they once were something assembled but now are the result of tiny hands of a future demolition captain... wash towels... wash sheets... try to vacuum... stub toe...

Yeah, those were only the things I did since 4pm today. I so need a wife.

Florida, So Far

Hello from sunny Florida!!!

And, to begin, I'd like to publicly admit that I have the I.Q. of a banana when it comes to applying sunscreen. How in the world do people live here and not have a permanent sunburn???? You'd think I'd have learned by now, considering I come here every year for vacation. But, every year, I leave one part of my body without sunscreen (accidentally, of course) and I end up sore and red and running up to CVS for some aloe vera gel. So, this year, I forgot my shoulders and back yesterday. But, on a positive note, I evened out my sunscreen today by forgetting my face and legs. Now I look like a tomato rather than a candy cane. NICE.

I began the vacation on Tuesday wondering if I had made a horrible mistake, bringing my 4 rambunctious children to my parents' fragile furniture and breakable tchotchke collection winter home. The entire first day was spent with me yelling, "Quit running!" "Don't touch that!" "JUST TRY TO BE CALM!!!" Uh, I think I should have taken my own advice.

Yesterday, most of the day, I spent being very upset. I was stressed and questioning why I had been so stubborn to believe that I could take all my kids on a vacation by myself with no help. But finally, after much prayer and self-reflection, I asked myself, "Why DID I do this anyway?" The answer was so clear: to give my children a once-in-a-childhood experience and to create happy memories that our family can share forever. I thought about it... was I doing that? What had gone so terribly wrong that I was constantly telling my kids to be quiet and sit still? And when did I quit smiling?

So, today I decided to smile more. Tell more jokes. Relax. When the boys are coming to me, saying, "Linus called me stupid." or "Charlie Brown said I'm not his friend." I just take it all in stride. We went to the beach today and had a BLAST. I decided to rent a wave-runner and I took each of the kids for a ride. We had an awesome time and I hope it is a memory they will have forever. We built sand castles and collected shells and swam in the ocean for the first time ever. When all the kids voted that the ocean was horrible and the sea water made their skin itch, I told them that sometimes new experiences are good and sometimes they are not so fun. It's okay to not like the beach, but now you really know what it's like. I think they appreciate that I'm not forcing them to love everything we are doing. Well, that's for today; I'll probably complain tomorrow about how they don't appreciate the humidity or the sun or whatever....

I'll keep ya posted.

That's a Big 10-4, Good Buddy

Okay, peeps. I'm off to St. Louis today, then off to Florida on Tuesday. I won't be checking email or blogs for a few days at least. Maybe, if I get REALLY relaxed I might end up not checking my blogs/emails until after the 16th, when I return.

So, don't worry that I've offed myself. I'm just busy burying my toes in the sand.

Either that, or I've actually offed myself because I've spent two whole days in a minivan with 4 children.

(insert nervous laugh) heh... heh...

Flashback Friday: Stuff to Do with Poo

I LOVED this post when I wrote it. I think it deserves a comeback.


Thanks, Scary Mommy, for sponsoring Flashback Friday. You can participate too! Just hop on over to Scary Mommy's blog and get hooked up!

(originally posted November 24, 2008)

Creative Things to Do with Poo

Okay, on my list of "Titles I Never Expected to EVER Use", this one comes near the top.

CREATIVE THINGS TO DO WITH POO

What do you like to do with poo? Do you like to eat it? Do you like to smear it on your face? No? Well, you must not be very cultured.

If you have seen the movie The Bucket List, you know what I'm going to talk about next. Kopi Luwak is coffee made from very rare coffee berries. These berries are found on the islands in the Indonesian Archipelago, which are located northwest of Australia. The Kopi Luwak, or Civet Coffee, is made from coffee berries which have been eaten and passed through the system of the Asian Palm Civet. Yep, you guessed it: it's made from berries that have been pooped out of a weasel-sized jungle cat. It is believed that, by passing through the system of the animal, the enzymes in the cat's stomack break down the proteins in the berry which give coffee its bitter taste. The defecated berries are washed and only slightly roasted in order to preserve the berry's complex flavors.Photo courtesy of Google Images

Am I the only one who thinks those look a little bit like granola bars? (shudder)

After purchasing your coffee beans, which by the way, costs $120-$600 per pound, you might be a little bit stressed out. How 'bout getting a facial to relax you?

At Santa Fe's Ten Thousand Waves Spa, you can treat yourself to a Nightingale Cleansing mask, which includes powder from the "sanitized droppings" of these feathered friends. $115 for 55 minutes of treatment using only the finest nightingale poop available.

Photo courtesy of Google Images

My biggest question is this: Who's in charge of collecting all this poo? And how much do they get paid? Whatever the answer is, I would bet that it's not enough.

The Jobs I would Never Share

(start humming that famous "favorite Things" song from Sound of Music. Julie Andrews eat your heart out)

scrubbing out skid marks from Spiderman Undies
wiping up vomit from too many sundaes

combing out tangles from long brunette hair
These are the jobs that I never would share

(bmm dip dip bmmm dip dip)

Plunging the toilets from toys that go swimming
fixing the haircut from a 3-year-old trimming

Saying once more that "Life's not always fair."
These are the jobs that I never would share

(big crescendo)

When the dog bites, when the bee stings,
When my kids feel sad,
I cuddle and kiss them and give them a hug,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(bmm dip dip bmmm dip dip)

driving the carpool and paying tuition
giving up Twinkies for better nutrition

sewing the arm back on a ragged teddy bear
These are the jobs that I never would share

Learning the theme songs from SpongeBob and Dora
taming a melt-down at the grocery store-ah

Answering "WHY?" with the evil-eye stare
These are the jobs that I never would share.

When they're not picked, when they're too small,
When they're last by a tad,
I tell them, "In my book you're still number 1"
And then they don't feel so bad.

From MamaKat's Writer's Workshop:
4.) If you could change career paths now and be anything you wanted to be...what would you be and why?
See, I'd be a SAHM forever if I could. And at the rate I'm popping out babies, that's not an unrealistic perspective.

Mojo What?

I've lost my mojo.

I think I used to have it somewhere... around here... but now I believe it's lost underneath the pile of bills, and girl scout badges to be sewn on, and a pile of near-expired coupons, and gift certificates for places that aren't even open anymore.

I can remember a time when I used to have something witty to say. Maybe even funny. Once in a blue moon it would be hilarious. But lately I'm all, gloom and doom and poor me and whine whine whine and tell me something that makes me feel less pitiful.

OKAY PEOPLE YOU ARE OFFICIALLY OFF THE CLOCK! IF I CONTINUE TO FEEL PATHETIC, IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I ACTUALLY AM PATHETIC.

I have let all the things that worry me overtake my mojo. Like:
Dad had back surgery two weeks ago. Supposed to be routine outpatient deal. Instead he gets pneumonia and lands himself in ICU. Still not feeling better.

Oh, did I mention that I am supposed to be coming to his house, where he's currently recuperating from surgery, in Florida, with my 4 wild animals children and a girlfriend and her kid? In 6 days from now?

So, dad surgery = stress. Me taking over his condo while he's recovering from surgery = more stress.

And, our kids school? Loooonnnnnng story, but it's not working out so well. Finding another private school = big bucks = stress. Deciding if I can send my kids to public school with other kids who think saying "JESUS CHRIST" is the response if you spill your milk = more stress.

So, where's my mojo?? Have you seen it? Where did it go? Where's the last time you've seen it?

Here, mojo, mojo. Please come back...

Update!

I know I've had a few nail-biters of posts lately, so I feel I should fill you in on the "after the show" results and outcomes.

1. In this post I talked about my weeds in my yard. I have pulled up most of the weeds and they are happily thriving again. It looks like it's going to be another summer-long battle of the wills: woman vs. weed. And, those things that people keep telling me are irises, well, they still haven't bloomed anything yet.

2. In this post I told everyone about the cute little Kate Spade (?) pink purse I bought at a thrift store for $1.50. Not that I care about names but I TOTALLY care about bargains. I could care less if it's real or fake, but I am in love with the idea that it cost someone else, brand new, like $200 or something and I got it for the price of a bottle of Coke. But, it may be a moot point since Baby Sally won't let it out of her sight. Every time I try to use it, she freaks out until I give it to her. Sally prefers to carry her pacifiers and sippy cup in it.

3. In this post I talked about my fear of sending my 9-year-old daughter to a slumber-birthday party. So, Peppermint Patty went on her sleepover and she did just fine. Nary a phone call. As a matter of fact, when I went to pick her up the next morning she was still in her pajamas. The sleepover house was all girls, because the mom and dad are divorced and the brother went to sleepover at the dad's house. So, I felt a little bit better about that. Now I'm just dreading the phone call for the next sleepover.

4. And, in this post I talked about buying my new camera. Well, I ended up returning the camera to Best Buy and instead going to a local camera shop, where I get $10 worth of free prints every month for a year and a free class to teach me about using my camera. The camera cost $20 more but really, overall, it was a savings. And, I still have not downloaded even one of the pictures because I am too lazy or scared to put the software on my computer.

Now, I hope you can all sleep better at night. ha ha.