Thursday, March 29, 2012

Sick

I am sick of it.

I am sick of being the only one who cleans up the same mess, every single day.

I am sick of hearing "You should teach them to pick up after themselves." For God's sake, I've been trying as hard as I can, and I don't need someone saying "You should teach them" like I'm a moron for not thinking of it sooner.

I am sick of having the honor of being the only family member who can clean up poop, puke, pee, boogers, and ear wax because it's just too gross for anyone else.

I am sick of playing games I don't like and listening to stories that have no point or any apparent conclusion. I mean, I do it but I'm sick of it. When is someone going to listen to MY stories?

I am sick of repeating myself every day, with the hope that consistency will pay off. All it's really doing is becoming background noise to them.

I am sick of looking like a nag when I ask other people to help with jobs around the house. Like, picking up their own socks, putting away their own food wrappers, and washing down their own toothpaste spit from the sink basin.

I am sick of wanting to sleep in, but when I try to I get woken up with "Where is my permission slip?" and "I can't find my lunchbox" and "maahhh-mmeeeee!!!!" so many times that it's all just a waste and I end up lying in bed with my eyes wide open, thinking about all the laundry I have to still fold.

I am sick of turning socks right side out. I turn mine right side out. How hard is it, really???

I am sick of being patient and smiley and forgiving and 99 days out of a hundred, all this stuff would not bother me but today... today... I have just had enough. Something has tipped the scale for me and I can't put my finger on it, but I am so tired of doing all this for people who have just come to expect it. And I am supposed to do all of it to the Glory of God, but I just am starting to resent it all. I am at the point where I am selfishly asking... how is my family glorifying God by treating me like this?

I really want to honor the Lord in my daily work. I've tried to adhere to Scripture about "whatever you do, do it to the Glory of God, not man" and "serve the Lord with gladness". But it all feels so unimportant, both the mundane daily tasks and even the small special ways I try to show my love for them. I feel like it's a waste of time trying any more. I give extra hugs. I buy special things when they ask for them. I read an extra book at bedtime. I tell them how proud I am of them. I recognize their achievements. I thank them for the things they do for our family.

And in return, I get, "You never let me do what I want!" or "I will get to it when I. AM. READY." or "...*crickets*..." (which means, I get no response at all).

I feel like a big jerk for wanting my ego stroked. I should take joy in serving the ones I love, knowing that this is my calling from God). And yet, I'm envious that everyone else in my family has some external validations of their work. I don't get gold stars on my papers, or certificates of appreciation, or promotions, or employee of the month. Everyone needs to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I feel like I am starving for attention. Not that I'm an attention monger, but I need someone to throw me a bone on a regular basis - not just on Mother's Day.

My mind is clearer, that I've now been able to get all that out and barf my words onto the page. And yet, my heart is heavy. I want to be able to take all this in stride. I don't want to be a small, petty, needy person who says, "Pay attention to ME! RIGHT HERE!!! SAY NICE THINGS TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!!" I'm a 40-year-old woman, not a tantrum-throwing toddler.

Most days, I'm a grown up. I can handle the fact that I customize 3 lunchboxes to the likes & dislikes of my children. I take it on the chin when I iron a dozen work shirts, 4 frilly dresses, and nothing for myself, but no one notices. I understand, this is what I do. This is my calling.

And whatever you do, please don't tell me to just "tell them how you feel". You might as well just tell me to teach them to pick up after themselves.

So, hopefully you won't hear this rant again for another 99 days.

Texan Mama

15 comments:

raygermama said...

Amen!

Princess Kate said...

Sing it sister!!!!!!!! I'm a new follower.

Sugar said...

Really feeling it for you today. Very sorry it's a crappy day for you. Hang in there. Maybe you should go buy yourself something.....I know, I know. No extra money, but really, give it some thought. Even if it's a nice glass of wine---it will be for YOU!

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

My first thought is you have to keep this post here. No waking up tomorrow and thinking it's too much and deleting it. No way.

In a few ways you've described how I feel about my students. They are thankless. Their parents would be mortified. They don't thank me for anything, so I have simply done nothing fun for them because they cannot, even the nice ones, say thank you.

Sad, no?

When my son got to 6th grade, I gave him $30 a month. I told him he could make his own lunch or buy, but he had only the $30 to buy. Anything that was left was his, and I promised to keep food in the house for his lunches. He wound up making a lunch every night. But then again, he was different in that he knew how hard I worked, so he really didn't complain.

Can you go on strike? (Just thinking here...)

My mom got tired of laundry and she stopped doing it. We learned to do our own pretty early. Oh, and socks can be washed inside out. Leave them that way. They can either fix 'em or wear them fuzzy side out.

Permission slips? If they can't bring them to you with a pen, then they can't go on the trip.

Your family isn't glorifying God. Period.

Stand your ground.

I wish I could do this anonymously since 1)it's all rambly, and 2) I said nasty but true things about my students...

lisaloo1 said...

I hear you. I have been moping around for a week, vacillating between feeling petty about how hard lack of appreciation is and then feeling that I have failed somewhat in not getting the appreciation message through. I wanted to be a mom so badly that sometimes it really hurts that it's so hard. And inevitably the spawn of my loins will sit in a shrinks chair one day relating 'mommy dearest' moments.

I take a little comfort in your words, thank you. Now I am off to make breakfast having already done school lunches. A least the dogs are up with me. And my iPad!

GunDiva said...

You're not being petty and you're not throwing a tantrum. We've all felt that way more than once in our lives.

I'm sorry it's a rough day, sending you virtual hugs.

Gigi said...

Sending you HUGE hugs. I know how you feel.

Stop reverting their clothes. It doesn't help much, but it helps a little. It's a rare event for me to revert anything anymore - ESPECIALLY socks.

You are not being tantrum-y, at all. You are frustrated. We've all been there (and continue to be) there.

It sounds to me like you really need some "Me" time to re-charge your batteries. Even if it's just to go get your nails done or to spend an afternoon wandering around Target alone.

Swizz said...

I don't say try and teach them more...we ALL know we do that daily.

I don't say tell them how you feel. It shows.

I say STRIKE!!!!!

Or THROW A TANTRUM on the floor. ROlling, kicking, screaming full on TANTRUM!

And then charge em for all of the tasks you're doing. :o)

Hugs to you! We've all been there...it just truly sucks when it's your turn.

nicole said...

So sorry it is like this now. Keep venting. We don't mind listening.

Jennifer said...

That is why we are here... to listen to your stories. Other than that- I absolutely understand. I don't have as many kids- but I have two messy ones, a messy husband and a messy dog. And I get so tried of feeling like I am ALWAYS sweeping the floor and yet it is never clean. As for, "teach them to pick up after themselves". Yeah.. that hasn't worked for me either.

ALifeLessScripted said...

Sometimes you just have to let it out and then you'll feel better. You're a fabulous mama!

Claudia said...

Oh wow, am I glad I found this. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one feeling absolutely fed up lately!

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Meredith Self said...

Hells to the yeah!

Me: Seriously. Can everyone please put their dish in the dishwasher instead of the sink!

Family. Sure, mom. Sure, wife.

The sink: Hello everyone's dishes from just after mom asked 5 mins ago.

I have an inspiration. Since they don't listen to mama. I'm going to write notes from the house.

"Please don't push dishes here! Then I can't bathe in the water or wash your hands.
Thanks.
- Sink

"Hi. Close me softly, please. Baby sleeping and my hinges are getting rattled!"
Love,
- Door

"Want some socks? Then pick a few up off the floor and put them in a laundry basket.
Besides, it's getting lonely in here. Please feed me some socks!"
- Sock Drawer

Anyone wanna take bets on whether it'll work?
Love,
Sick of Cleaning Everyone Else's Mess, Too

rude katy said...

I don't know if this helps now, but just know that one day they will hear YOUR words come out of THEIR mouths and a light bulb will go off. I try to buy my mom nice mother's day and birthday gifts as a thank you now that I am an adult. And clean up a bit in her house when I am there as a guest.

Also, one day a week or month where you don't do at least *some* of the things they take for granted might wake them up a bit. I am going through this right now--it's time for finals and my policy is that if it doesn't earn me a grade or a paycheck, it doesn't get done (showering and eating are exceptions). My husband either picks up the slack or realizes how much I get done the rest of the time.