Wednesday, August 14, 2013

staying afloat

Sometimes I wonder if I have adult ADD. Or maybe I just have the "after-40" brain. Or maybe I'm just normal but since I'm the only one inside my brain, I have no idea what "normal" is.

My brain, it seems, NEVER SHUTS DOWN. I think about my kids - what they do, how they act, whether they might get cavities, if I'm too strict or not strict enough, and on and on. I think about our bills - will we ever get them paid off, what if an emergency comes up, what can I cut out so I can afford this or that or something else. I think about my marriage - does my husband really love me, how can I make my marriage better, sometimes I feel like saying WHO EXACTLY DID I MARRY?!?! (I don't worry about this - it's just that he still surprises me sometimes.) I think about our house - when is that project going to get done, what if the air conditioner breaks down, is it going to be a cold winter (how much propane will we need and how much will THAT cost?), etc. I think about photography probably most of all - why can't I just accept my talents and love my own work, will my business ever grow to be sustainable, why can't I get my photos to look like THAT or THAT or THAT.

What is holding me back from being happy? Satisfied? Peaceful?

Sometimes I try to keep myself otherwise occupied, and that helps a lot. Yesterday I built a big enclosure for our chickens so that they won't be wandering around the yard, pooping everywhere, laying eggs in hidden spots, and getting themselves lost or hurt. We had an existing chicken coop, with a semi-secure fence around part of it. I just built a larger enclosure and made the fence more secure.

Chickens stay in, predators stay out
Today I've been going through my emails and deleting everything I haven't read or no longer want. I had over 700 unread emails. Now I'm down to just over 500, but wanted to take a break to write.

last week I cleaned out our barn. It took me most of the day but I did it. Felt SO awesome to have things organized. When my physical things are organized, I think my brain feels organized too. Wow, I'm just realizing that as I type this out. Makes so much sense. When I need to find something and it's missing or misplaced or I have to dig to find it, I get frustrated really quickly. Even THINKING about trying to find an item in a place that's a huge mess makes me feel anxious. So, now all our tools are together, all the spare lumber/scrap wood is together, all the boxes of clothes are together, etc.

Today I think I need to pay some attention to the laundry pile. It's SUPER HUGE and I've neglected it for a few days and it always comes back to bite me in the butt when I do that. And I need a distraction. To be honest, at first, when I start these "clean-ups" I get that anxious feeling like always. But once I commit myself to getting it done, I become very focused on finishing.

Finding projects that have a finish line are awesome. Laundry isn't that way so much... but at least I could clean up the laundry ROOM.

And just a random photo I took last night of the night sky. :)





Texan Mama

2 comments:

Gigi said...

"When my physical things are organized, I think my brain feels organized too." EXACTLY!!! Unfortunately, that feeling doesn't seem to extend to my family.

Jennifer said...

I have ADD, and I can tell you that it is very hard for me to finish any projects at all. If it takes longer than a half a day (with breaks) forget about it. I can't do it.